Welcome to Oharmony

There is one thing I can say about dating sites; I hate them. It appears that other people feel just the same but for other reasons so don’t feel so isolated anymore. An online friend has an interesting approach to the dating thing and I wanted to present her point of view. This is Amelia Hamilton’s view of dating in Obama’s time. She hangs out on Twitter. Check out her witty humor sometime.

A friend of mine recently met a guy through an online dating service, and it got me thinking. Why should she have to pay for something that others are able to get for free? It seems completely unfair. To remedy this terrible injustice, I propose that the government go into the matchmaking business. That’s right; I think it’s time for Oharmony.

Of course, there will be significant departures from the way online dating works now, all in the name of equality. There will be no photographs, for one can’t allow special treatment due to an accident of genetics.  Nor will there be written communications, lest you judge someone on their spelling. It’s not their fault they didn’t have the advantage of an ivy-league education, but they still need love, you know. No, you will tell the great and powerful Love Czar what you’re looking for, and he’ll see what he can do.

And then brace for the waiting list. It’s likely that your hamlet isn’t overflowing with eligible members of the opposite sex, or you would have found one already (of course, Oharmony 2.0 will make such free-market matrimony illegal, but that is a story for another day). Be prepared to wait a good deal of time for one of these eligible specimens to become available in your area. If you have, by that time, settled into spinsterhood, that is simply too bad. You’ve missed out on your chance, and will just have to deal with that.

Worry not, my single friends, Obama has thought of everything! Oharmony is hard at work on their patented exchange program. In this program, towns with too many men may trade their surplus to towns with too few and vice-versa. Easy peasy! You will have no say in being sent to a delightful village wherein everyone is related or a town of thugs, but you will be matched up with a government-sanctioned partner. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you chose to look for love, and the government will provide!

If you find yourself wondering, during this process, how Obama found the gumption to interfere with such personal matters? Where were you when congress voted on health care? Is who you date really more personal than your medical care or more important than life or death decisions? Naturally these hard questions are best left to government employees, who are more qualified to decide who we spent the rest of our lives?

Oh and, in case you were wondering about that guy my friend met, he turned out to be a dud. But, hey, that’s the luck of the draw. Had she sought help from a state-operated dating agency she probably would have found a better match. What are you, some kind of dudist dud-o-phobe?


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